“Underworld: Evolution” - A Comically Bad Plot Synopsis
Before we dive into the “Back to the Dark Ages” section of our review, let’s take a moment to acknowledge a cinematic milestone. “Underworld: Evolution” is not just any film; it’s the film that inspired Rex Sarcasmo to start poormoviereviews.com. This sequel, with its blend of over-the-top lore and underwhelming execution, sets a standard for what a hilariously bad movie can be. It’s a masterclass in missed opportunities and a shining example of how to take a decent concept and turn it into a laughable spectacle. So, as we embark on this journey through the film’s plot, remember: this isn’t just a review, it’s a celebration of the film that launched a thousand snarks.
As we continue with our whimsical critique of “Underworld: Evolution,” let’s take a moment to appreciate where it all began. Unlike this sequel, the original “Underworld” (2003) was a genre-defining masterpiece, blending Gothic atmosphere with modern action in a way that reinvigorated the vampire-werewolf narrative. It’s a film that stands as a testament to what happens when dark fantasy meets compelling storytelling.
For those who want to revisit the film that started it all, or perhaps discover its dark charm for the first time, check out the link below. Not only does it offer a chance to experience the original “Underworld,” but it also includes the sequels, for a full dive into this iconic universe.
Get the Underworld Series on Blu-ray - A Gothic Action Masterpiece
Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming of dissecting the bewildering wonder that is “Underworld: Evolution.”
Back to the Dark Ages: The movie kicks off in 1202, where we’re treated to the vampire version of a corporate team-building exercise: hunting werewolves. Three vampire elders, who seem to have mistaken brooding for personality, capture William Corvinus, the OG werewolf who apparently never learned to play nice.
Fast Forward to ‘Not So Modern’ Times: Selene, our goth heroine, and Michael, her pet project, are now playing house. Selene plans to confront Kraven, the vampire equivalent of that middle manager everyone dislikes. But wait, Markus, the first vampire (because why have one origin story when you can have several?), wakes up early (no snooze button for ancient vamps) and kills Kraven and his crew.
Vampire IT Guy: Markus, now having consumed Kraven’s blood, suddenly becomes a computer whiz. Who knew blood was like an IT degree? He tracks down Selene and Michael but gets outmaneuvered in a warehouse because apparently, ancient vampire powers don’t cover basic tracking skills.
Awkward Romance Interlude: Amidst all this, Selene and Michael decide it’s a perfect time for romance. Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like a vampire-werewolf hybrid war.
The Pendant Plot: They figure out that a pendant (which seems to be a USB drive for ancient secrets) is important. They visit a vampire historian, who’s basically living in witness protection, to get some exposition about… well, everything.
Family Drama: Turns out, everyone is related. Markus and William are brothers, and their dad, Alexander Corvinus, is also Michael’s great-to-the-nth-degree grandad. This movie turns into a supernatural episode of “Who’s Your Daddy?”
Alexander’s Big Reveal: Alexander, who’s been around since forever, is just a bystander with a fancy boat. He tells Selene to drink his blood, which is apparently better than any energy drink on the market.
Final Showdown: Markus frees William, leading to a family reunion nobody wanted. There’s a lot of growling, biting, and an unintentionally hilarious fight scene involving a helicopter’s rotor blades.
Sunlight Schmunlight: Selene, now upgraded with Alexander’s blood, can walk in sunlight, rendering the whole vampire sunburn issue moot. It’s like discovering you’re lactose intolerant and then suddenly you’re not.
And the Soundtrack: The soundtrack is a blend of every mid-2000s alternative band that could be squeezed into 62 minutes, perfectly capturing the film’s essence: loud, confused, and trying too hard to be cool.
Sequels and Prequels: Because why stop at one underwhelming movie? The franchise bravely marches on with more prequels and sequels, ensuring the saga of leather-clad vampires and CGI werewolves lives on in the annals of ‘films to watch when there’s really, really nothing else.’
